The political parties in this country, indistinct from each other as far as ideologies or philosophies are concerned, and distinguishable only in the sense that some are in and the others out of power (meaning they can’t get their hands into the cookie jar), are again positioning to inflict on us another grand farce in what passes for democratic elections.

This is not to say we don’t know what going on. But knowing the extent of this travesty, why the hell are we taking it sitting down? The joke’s on us and we don’t even seem to care.

Here goes, author unknown:

What is a Philippine election?

It all begins when the country’s brightest, most highly qualified inhabitants, the young dynamic professionals, citizens who have the potential to make good leaders, get together and examine the country’s problems, the state of politics and the long-term national prospects.

What happens next? They decide to emigrate.

And after that? Another group of bright people get together.

What do they do? They also emigrate.

And then? And so on and so forth.

What does any of this have to do with a Philippine election?

When talented, smart and highly qualified potential leaders leave the country all the time, who are you left with? Retired basketball players? Toilet comedians? Bad actors and actresses? Spoiled vicious rich kids? Ageing and debauched hermaphrodites? You’re now ready to hold a Philippine election.

How important are elected officials to the Philippines? Nobody’s been able to figure out an answer to that one.

What’s at stake in a Philippine election? Prizes and surprises! Millions in cash! Dream houses! The vacations of your choice! Fun for the entire family! That’s from the politician’s point of view.

How many positions are waiting to be filled in the coming elections?

About 17,000 public offices and a still undetermined number of graves.

So it’s like lotto? Sort of, except that when you lose you could lose your life.

Who are qualified to run? Anyone at all! Generally, any person of any citizenship who’s alive, of a certain age, good character and able to summon a mob huge enough to intimidate the Supreme Court.

What kind of candidates has the most chances of winning? "Artists" who have the "confidence" of the people.

You mean a con artist, don’t you?

You said it, we didn’t.

Who are qualified to vote? Those willing to be bused around and go a hard day’s work visiting a lot of precincts during Election Day.

Talk about parties in the Philippines. Everybody loves going to parties in the Philippines.

No, political parties. Oh! Well, in the past there used to be only two parties, the Liberals and the Nacionalistas. Now there are several dozen, but they still all fall under two main parties: the Sosyalites and the Opportunistas.

What’s the difference between the two parties?

Sosyalites love parties. Oppor-tunistas will join any.

Explain what this year’s presidential elections are all about.

Did you hear the one about the murderer, the thief, the incompetent and the idiot?

No, is that a joke?

That’s the presidential election.

You’re a cynical bastard, aren’t you?

No, no, no, we’re not running for office.

Why are there so many international observers who come to a Philippine election?

They’re fascinated by all the strange phenomena which accompany it.

What are you talking about? Miracles are a dime a dozen during elections here. Vicious criminals suddenly become saintly leaders. Voters fly. The dead cast their ballots. Morons become national leaders.

Why is the Church so closely involved in elections? They’re also interested in studying the miracles. Also, priests are needed to administer the last sacraments to all the people who’re killed.

Philippine elections sound like they’re really violent and bloody.

Not really. Not more than several dozen die on the average. Why that’s only a teensy fraction of the population! And everything blows over after Election Day, so the country can bet back to its usual kidnapping, wholesale graft, hostage taking and coup attempts.

How clean are Philippine elections?

Let’s put it this way: if Philippine elections were your house you wouldn’t want to live in it.

What are guns, goons and gold? Three traditional important elements of a successful election. There’s a new one: film credits.

How come this pamphlet doesn’t include a question that goes why can’t all candidates just jump in the lake?

That question looks like it was just gratuitously put into this article for very naughty purposes. We decline to answer it.

How can you tell an election outcome is suspicious?

Power failures in very specific rooms where the counting is taking place. Numbers that start losing zeroes as the days go by.

Can’t the candidates, out of the goodness of their hearts, put a stop to crooked elections?